1
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,616
Jessica, our son isvaledictorian of Harvard.

2
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:08,791
Crazy.

3
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,053
Louis, pipe down.

4
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,490
I gave you one rule
for today, remember?

5
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,275
Don't talkin a wicked Boston accent

6
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:15,189
to order lobster chowder?

7
00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:16,886
Okay, fine.
Two rules.

8
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:19,584
And it's not crazy
he's up there.

9
00:00:19,628 --> 00:00:21,804
He's always shown
signs of greatness.

10
00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:24,459
Breakfast is served, suckas.

11
00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:27,940
Boom. A literal food pyramid
made from all 10 food groups.

12
00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,638
Frozen fish sticks
form the base,

13
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,379
so give her a sec to thaw
before diving in.

14
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,685
10 food groups?Why is it moving?

15
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:36,471
I still can't believe
you got a 1500 on your SAT.

16
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,168
I still can't believeyou haven't told Mom yet.

17
00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:39,474
Boys, think.

18
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,476
I'm a high-school junior
who doesn't listen well.

19
00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:43,043
Fair.Cautiously following.

20
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:44,566
I'll tell Mom my score

21
00:00:44,609 --> 00:00:46,437
when I really need
a get-out-of-jail-free card,

22
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,700
like, for example,
I'm in jail.

23
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:50,746
Yeah.Eddie, clean up the mess
you made in the kitchen.

24
00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:52,835
I got a 1500
on my SATs.

25
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,271
What?!
Wow.

26
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:57,057
Eddie, I can't believe it!

27
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,190
I did it.

28
00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,279
--Captions by VITAC--

29
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,585
♪ Fresh off the boat

30
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,413
♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

31
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,502
♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

32
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:08,938
♪ Fresh off the boat

33
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:11,201
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

34
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:12,637
♪ But I know where I'm goin'

35
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,205
♪ I'm fresh off the boat

36
00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:19,731
You really got a 1500
on the SAT?

37
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,951
Yep. A 750 on
the verbal and...

38
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,518
whatever's left in math.

39
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:25,389
Amazing.
I'm so proud of you.

40
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,260
Thank you.

41
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,913
See, Louis?

42
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:31,308
Me pushing Eddie all these years
is finally paying off.

43
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,528
Top-tier colleges
are back in play.

44
00:01:33,571 --> 00:01:34,659
The football teams
get worse,

45
00:01:34,703 --> 00:01:36,226
but the starting salaries
skyrocket.

46
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,054
You did fill in the oval

47
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,187
letting schools get
your test scores, right?

48
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:43,494
I filled in every oval I saw --you know, better my chances.

49
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:44,887
1500, ladies and germs.

50
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:47,107
1-5-0-0.

51
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,195
Well, I better clean
my pyramid mess.

52
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,935
No, no, no.
You stay.

53
00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,111
You deserve to rest.

54
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:54,940
I'll do the dishes.
What the heck.

55
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,247
Maybe I'll even reconnect
the dishwasher.

56
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:03,819
Was that a hug?

57
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,690
I've never seen your mother
this happy.

58
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,388
That includes
our wedding day,

59
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:08,824
but definitely
not our wedding night.

60
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,217
We went for it.

61
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,218
Gross.

62
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:12,958
I don't trust this.

63
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:14,743
It's like when a stranger offersyou candy to get in their van.

64
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,962
I mean, you take it --
free candy --

65
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,268
but it never ends well.

66
00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:19,356
Please tell me
you've never gotten in

67
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,357
a stranger's van before.

68
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,359
Eddie, your mom

69
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,708
doesn't get to
experience pure joy often.

70
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,928
She refuses to watch
"Police Academy,"

71
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:28,670
doesn't "get dogs,"
calls Weird Al a hack.

72
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:29,758
Let her have this.

73
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,803
Eddie,
forget the kitchen.

74
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,370
We're going out
to celebrate!

75
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:36,243
Cele-what?
Girl, I got school.

76
00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:38,375
Not today.
School can wait.

77
00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:43,554
Dibs on the first
dishwasher load.

78
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:48,429
♪ Baby, I got your money

79
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,344
♪ Hey, Dirty

80
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:54,261
♪ Baby, I got your money,
don't you worry ♪

81
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,611
♪ I said hey, Dirty

82
00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,656
♪ Baby, I got your money

83
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,268
♪ Hey, Dirty

84
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,400
♪ Dance if you caught up in
the Holy Ghost trance ♪

85
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,489
♪ If you stop, I'm-a putthe killer ants in your pants ♪

86
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,839
♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see

87
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,320
♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying
to make some money ♪

88
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:12,757
♪ So give me my streaks
and give me my honey ♪

89
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,411
♪ None of you, nuh,
better look at me funny ♪

90
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,284
♪ Nuh, you know my name,
now gimme my money ♪

91
00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:18,589
♪ Hey

92
00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,765
Man, I look like
"Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube,

93
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:21,418
Asian-boy edition.

94
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,246
Dope.

95
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,726
Motherand oval-filling son.

96
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:25,857
This stays here.

97
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,032
I don't wantyour Ivy League roommates

98
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,557
drooling overyour mother's flawless skin.

99
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,341
I don't know
about the Ivy League.

100
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:34,518
I do!
That 1500 changed the game.

101
00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:36,172
We need to update
your life-chart.

102
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:39,915
Evan has dibs
on president,

103
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,264
but we can Kennedy
this thing,

104
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,657
and you could be
his attorney general.

105
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,573
Emery can be the drunk
with the square head.

106
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:51,492
Oh, no.

107
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,146
Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife tothe Brain 2: The Second Knife"?

108
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:55,974
I'm penning my memoir.

109
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,672
I want to get
my life story down

110
00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,152
before things get intensein high school.

111
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,851
It'll be way less intense
if you keep that to yourself.

112
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,287
I can't be America's firstDoctor-President

113
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:05,462
without publishing
a memoir.

114
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,855
I even mocked up a cover.

115
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,902
I'll update the photowhen I'm old enough to run,

116
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:12,077
maybe grow some stubblefor the ladies --

117
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,253
crucial demo.

118
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,819
Cool.

119
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:16,299
I've outlined
my next chapter --

120
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,388
"Evan Huang,HOA Vice President."

121
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:27,571
Matthew: How do you think
this guy went out?

122
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,007
Big-game hunter,

123
00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:31,358
or stepped in front
of the wrong logging truck?

124
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,577
Pushing that much girth
around the woods?

125
00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:34,361
Heart disease all day.

126
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,232
Hey!

127
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,147
Mom liftedher bumper-sticker ban.

128
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:41,585
She wants you to put this onthe Cattleman's delivery car.
Eddie: Great.

129
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,413
That's what you want on your
bumper during rush hour.

130
00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:44,458
Very rear-end-able.

131
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:47,635
You have a minute
to talk?

132
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:48,810
Boss Talk or Dad Talk?

133
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:49,811
Dad Talk.

134
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,291
Okay.

135
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,598
It's me, Dad.
What's up?

136
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,121
So, I've been thinkinga lot about college

137
00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,253
ever since our UCLA trip.

138
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,341
Great trip.

139
00:04:58,385 --> 00:04:59,516
Great trip,

140
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,344
but I don't think I wanta regular school.

141
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:04,826
I want to go to
culinary school.

142
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,654
Culinary school?

143
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:09,004
Like for cooking.I know what it means --
sorta.

144
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:11,006
This is big, Eddie.

145
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,703
I know you're working
at the restaurant with me,

146
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,879
but I didn't realize you were
that passionate about this.

147
00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:17,317
I didn't either,until it dawned on me

148
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,362
the thing I always getexcited about is food...

149
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,465
...creating it,cooking it, eating it.

150
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:36,727
I love food, Dad!

151
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:38,990
I love food, too, son.

152
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:40,905
I love food, too.

153
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,559
You're following
in my footsteps.

154
00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:44,605
Uh, my restaurant footsteps,

155
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,650
not my Cha Cha King of Taipei
footsteps.

156
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,130
Ain't nobody
following those.

157
00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,958
Well, I'm glad you're opento culinary school.

158
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:51,133
Ma won't be.

159
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,482
Yeah.

160
00:05:52,526 --> 00:05:54,136
No way she had this
on my life-chart.

161
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:57,052
Hey, why don't you
make her a meal,

162
00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:58,662
show her your stuff,

163
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,795
and then we can talk about
culinary school together?

164
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,579
Yeah, that'd be sick!

165
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,457
"Evan Huang for HOA
Vice President:

166
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,459
One Deidre Heartbeat Away."

167
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,286
You said you worked
as a mall elf

168
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:16,680
to "help
my needy brothers"?

169
00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:18,508
Iworked as a mall elf
to help you!

170
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:19,901
Uh, time out.

171
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:21,293
You read my memoir?

172
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,643
Please tell me you wore
the document gloves

173
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:23,687
sitting next to it.

174
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,559
You stole my story.
You lied!

175
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,127
I'm just giving readers
what they want -- a hero.

176
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,520
Who cares about
the details?

177
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:31,565
I do.

178
00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,393
You can't be presidentif you lie.

179
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,524
It's un-American.

180
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,961
Calling the first
Asian President un-American?

181
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:39,181
Pretty racist.

182
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:45,883
This is amazing.

183
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:48,625
Your mom will have toconsider culinary school.

184
00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:50,061
Each dish is inspired
by her --

185
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:52,542
Anti-Hobo Stew,
Chicken a la Stephen King,

186
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,239
Aw Hell Gnocchi.

187
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,720
I was out at the mailbox,

188
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:57,765
and I saw Deidre
in the window.

189
00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:00,594
Dummy took 20 minutes
to notice my sweatshirt.

190
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,512
What's all this?Oh, I made dinner for you.

191
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:06,861
Why?

192
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,776
Oh, you put a baby
in that redhead, didn't you?

193
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,299
Jessica!
Whoa!

194
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:11,387
No.

195
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,519
I just wanted
to say thank you

196
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:13,737
for everything
you've done for me.

197
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,260
Aww!

198
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,567
You got a 1500
andyou cook.

199
00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:20,570
You are going to make some womanI choose a great husband.

200
00:07:20,614 --> 00:07:22,572
So, Mom,I was hoping we could talk.

201
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,095
Sure.

202
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:25,880
What did you want to --

203
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,316
Eddie got a letter
from Harvard.

204
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:28,317
I'll open it so you don't
cut your test fingers.

205
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,232
Okay with you?
Great!

206
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,755
Aah!

207
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:34,366
"Dear Edwyn Huang,

208
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,151
we received your SAT scores

209
00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:37,805
and want to schedule
an interview

210
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,502
with one of our alumni"?

211
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:49,033
Ah!

212
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:51,296
Harvard wants to send an alum
here to my house

213
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:54,082
to interview Eddie,
my son.

214
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:55,910
Louis: No chance they send
Bill Gates, right?

215
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:58,695
Because I still can't get
the printer to do landscape.

216
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:00,741
I got to get moving.
I got to call Connie to gloat.

217
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:02,699
I got to redecorate the house
to Ivy League standards,

218
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,440
polish the fine china.

219
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,529
Fun fact --
that's my bowling nickname.

220
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,925
Dad, I want to go
to culinary school.

221
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,361
Do I really have to do
this interview?

222
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:13,580
It'd just be
a waste of time.

223
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:14,537
Not for your mom.

224
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,844
Ho, ho, ho!

225
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:17,758
Not a "yo mama" joke.
Sorry.

226
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,760
Eddie, she's worked hard

227
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,022
your whole lifeto give you this opportunity.

228
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:24,721
Just let her have this,and then we can talkto her about culinary.

229
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:27,202
Fine.
I'll do it -- for her.

230
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:28,464
Good.

231
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,726
And if,for whatever reason,

232
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,162
cooking school
doesn't pan out...

233
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,773
Pan out. Nice.

234
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,078
...Harvard is not
the worst backup.

235
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:35,819
Speak for yourself.

236
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,734
I ain't built for those
Pennsylvania winters.

237
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:40,432
No, Harvard is...
Yeah.

238
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:44,698
Aah!
Ahh.

239
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:45,829
Pay up, Barbie.

240
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:48,919
Hey, why are you so quiet there,Emory, huh?

241
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,747
Those freshman girls
got your tongue?

242
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,183
Evan's writing a memoir,

243
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:54,316
and he's stealing stories,making things up.

244
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,665
Well,
he's just spinning yarns

245
00:08:55,709 --> 00:08:57,841
like we used to do
in the Navy -- harmless.

246
00:08:57,885 --> 00:08:59,713
Not like those dirty Marines.

247
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:00,844
They're actual liars.

248
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:02,585
N-- O-kay.
You can g--

249
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,195
Emery, your brother'sin eighth grade.

250
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,719
That's a tough time.

251
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:09,331
He's probably justtooting his own horn.Yeah.

252
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,375
Maybe I am overreacting.

253
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:11,812
I'm glad you guys
think it's okay

254
00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:12,856
since you're all
in his memoir, too.

255
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,597
We are?
Yeah?
Yeah.

256
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,730
You should see how
he described Liza's birth.

257
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:20,081
Oh, Marvin!
Where are the keys?

258
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:22,387
This baby is coming!I can't find 'em!

259
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:25,216
Oh, this is all too much,even for a Navy man.

260
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:27,131
Oh, no.

261
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:30,308
Ohh. I'm fainting.

262
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:33,964
Oh, who could blame you?

263
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:37,533
There's not a man alive who canhandle this kind of pressure.

264
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,580
I will deliver the baby.

265
00:09:43,365 --> 00:09:45,149
Honey, give me
two deep breaths.

266
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:48,196
1, 2...

267
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,982
There she is.

268
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:54,637
We'll call her Liza.

269
00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,555
I had a 17-hour labor

270
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,949
with a rare diagonal breach,no epidural,

271
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,820
and that nerd is trying totake it away from me?

272
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,822
I warned Evan,
but he didn't listen.

273
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:06,780
He's stubborn.

274
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,521
That's why he'll be
a good politician.

275
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,132
He only cares
about the votes.

276
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,482
And Navy men don't faint!

277
00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:16,137
They pass out
and hit the ground hard

278
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:19,270
with their pants off and
their shoes on, like men.

279
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:25,842
Why does our house looklike a Vermont BandB

280
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:27,844
inside a whaling ship?

281
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:30,151
I want Harvard to feel at home
for Eddie's interview.

282
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,196
The theme is
"New England Snoot."Smart.

283
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,720
Eddie: Ma,

284
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:34,982
do I really have
to wear all this?

285
00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:36,592
I mean, look at me.

286
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,333
I want to kick my ass.Eddie, you look great --

287
00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:41,945
like a hip1970s IBM executive.

288
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,687
Places.
Places, everyone.

289
00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:48,996
Together:
Afta-noon!

290
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:51,825
Hello.
That wasn't creepy at all.

291
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,043
Andy Richter?

292
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:54,741
You know this intelligent man?

293
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,047
Oh, he's the co-host of"Late Night with Conan O'Brien."

294
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,702
The talk show?I understand zero
of those words.

295
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:00,790
Yeah, it's a great job.

296
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,575
I sit on the couch
and laugh at Conan's jokes.

297
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,012
Hey, me too.

298
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:06,274
Alright, look,
it's not that easy, okay?

299
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:09,059
I mean, there's...lights
and stuff.

300
00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:10,408
So, Andy,you're a Harvard alum?

301
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,802
Oh, God, no.
My name is Andy. Come on.

302
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,804
No, but Conan is,

303
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,501
and sometimes he does
interviews for them,

304
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:19,243
and then he asks me to do
the interviews for him.

305
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,897
Mm. I like this Conan.

306
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,769
Eh, everybody does.
He's Conan.

307
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,859
He's tall, he's handsome,
he signs my checks.

308
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,991
So, uh,can I get you anything?

309
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,253
Tea?
Something to eat?

310
00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:31,691
My "Simpsons" spec scriptto give to Conan?

311
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:34,302
Uh, no, it's alright.
I'll just talk to Eddie.Okay.

312
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,825
And you know what?
I will have something to eat.

313
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,567
And drink.

314
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,961
Evan, thank you for
the block-party update.

315
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,571
My pleasure.

316
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,878
Gonna be a scorcher out there,
so sunscreen up, girls.

317
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:45,922
Up next

318
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,924
are elections
for HOA Vice President.

319
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,274
Any nominations?

320
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:52,799
Uh, I nominate
Emery Huang.

321
00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:57,107
I accept.

322
00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:58,674
For those who don't know me,
I'm a spelling-bee champ,

323
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,330
writing a memoir,
and love a tucked-in polo!

324
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:04,027
Those are my credentials.

325
00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:05,159
Just giving people
what they want.

326
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,856
It takes a lot of marbles

327
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,076
to sideswipe the guy
holding a wooden hammer.

328
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,555
-Ooh!

329
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,906
Whoa, Eddie.
You really nailed the SATs.

330
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:14,255
What was that like?

331
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,736
Tough.I filled in so many ovals,

332
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:19,173
I didn't have the strengthto zip up my pants for a week.

333
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,131
Well, zippers
are complicated.

334
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,307
I think the Amish are ahead
of the curve on that one.

335
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:24,569
Jessica: Oh, don't mind me.

336
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,050
Just taking Eddie's cello
to the conservatory.

337
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:31,620
Ooh! Cello --
the man's violin.

338
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:34,405
Well, actually,I'm more of a beatboxer.

339
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:36,320
No kidding!
Let 'er rip.

340
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,935
♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam

341
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:43,588
No, no, over here,
ignore that now!

342
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:44,459
Eddie's telescope.

343
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,853
Houston, we have a genius.

344
00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:50,117
Gosh, maybe it would be easier
if I just interviewed you.

345
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,859
Great idea.

346
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,469
Well, uh, Eddie,
do you have any questions

347
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:56,514
for me, for Conan,
for Harvard?

348
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:58,081
Yes.

349
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,169
How hard will
they make him work?

350
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:00,867
Eddie loves hard work.

351
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,869
Huh?
Huh.

352
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,044
Well, he didn't at first.

353
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,220
I've always had to
push him to succeed.

354
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:10,528
Eddie, focus!

355
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:12,530
Aah!
Where's my bed?!

356
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,054
Beds are for people
who work hard.

357
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:16,883
Recommit yourself to school
and hard work,

358
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,058
you get your bed back.

359
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,015
Mom?

360
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,408
For the next
three months

361
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:21,844
while I'm busy
studying for grad school,

362
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:25,021
you will be by my side
PSAT prepping.

363
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,327
Study buddies.

364
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,459
Wow. You've really
done a lot for Eddie.

365
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:31,027
I drive my boys
to be the best.

366
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:32,855
Jessica don't raise
mediocre.

367
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,118
That's actually
very helpful to hear.

368
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,685
Yes,
that's why I said it.

369
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:39,427
Alright, well, uh,
I've got to get going.

370
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:43,866
"Conan" has another interview
in Daytona Beach.

371
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,433
Uh, hey, Andy.

372
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,609
Uh, complimentary
basket of oranges.

373
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,872
My "Simpsons" spec scriptis on the bottom.

374
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,221
Homer takes Lisa square dancingand then loses her.

375
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:53,702
It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"

376
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:55,617
Yeah, perfect.

377
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,619
They're always hungry for ideasfrom the random public.

378
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,621
Really? That's great.

379
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:03,059
Mm.

380
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,845
So, what did you think of Eddie?What will you tell the school?

381
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,586
Should I preorder
my license plate for him now?

382
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:11,894
Okay, look, I've done
a lot of these things,

383
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:14,418
and Harvard is not
gonna be a fit.

384
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:15,985
What?

385
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:18,945
Oh, it was his
mouth-rapping, wasn't it?

386
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,250
Oh, no, no,
that was excellent --

387
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,426
I mean,
Michael Winslow-nian.

388
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:26,691
No, i-it's not so much Eddie
as it is you.

389
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,041
Me?

390
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:31,305
Yeah, you're a bit of
a helicopter mom,

391
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:35,787
and Harvard's found that, when
a parent is so...invested

392
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:38,007
that the kid tends to fizzle out

393
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,269
once they're finally
on their own.

394
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,793
Eh, helicopter mom,
that's not me.

395
00:14:41,837 --> 00:14:43,143
Hey, who put this in my room?

396
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,888
Well,
thanks for the oranges.

397
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:56,417
Eddie can't go to Harvard
because of me.

398
00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:02,945
Jessica.
I pushed you
your whole life

399
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,686
for a school like Harvard,
but I pushed too hard.

400
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,731
I failed you.
What?

401
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,037
No, I wasn't thatbig on Harvard anyways.

402
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,170
I mean, their mascot's
a friggin' color.

403
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:11,867
Well, I guess there are
other top schools.

404
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,087
Why, it is the Ivy League
after all.

405
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,523
Or there are
other options.

406
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,655
Okay, new plan!

407
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:18,961
We go to the schools
to interview.

408
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,397
We ambush them.

409
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,008
I'll find
the admissions director,

410
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,097
tell him that if he doesn't
accept Eddie,

411
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,489
it's time
for some smacks --

412
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,144
hitting smacks,
not kissing smacks.

413
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:29,972
Ma, you don't have to
do that.

414
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:33,149
Of course I do.
I ruined Harvard!

415
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:35,412
You didn't ruin it,
because I didn't want
to go to college.

416
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,501
I want to go to
culinary school.

417
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,335
Then I guess I really did
fail you as a mother.

418
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:52,342
Okay.
I'll tally the votes.

419
00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:55,389
Hey, dingbat.
What the "H" was that?

420
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:57,043
You took credit
for my success,

421
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,262
plucked my feathers
for your cap.

422
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,394
I was just proving a point.

423
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,004
Well,
this isn't a joke, kid.

424
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:05,051
This is the doggone
HOA Vice Presidency!
Mm.

425
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:07,444
Doesn't feel so goodwhen someone stealsyour story, does it?

426
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:09,969
The dark underbelly
of plagiarism.

427
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,017
Evan, you saw how
everyone reacted

428
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,192
when I shared your story.

429
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,193
It's powerful enoughon its own.

430
00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:19,195
When you get to
high school,

431
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,284
the operating room,
the oval office...

432
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:23,983
you don't need to be anythingother than who you are.

433
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,201
I love that guy.

434
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,335
Alright, y'all.

435
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:30,032
Congrats to the new
Vice President,

436
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,991
Emery Huang!

437
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,993
This -- This is why

438
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,038
we need to do away
with the popular vote.

439
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,484
Here's the thing, kids,
but I've taken this sucker

440
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:50,574
to 150 miles an hour
on a residential street.

441
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,489
Matthew: Taking the ranchon the road.

442
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,796
Brings me back to
my Dolly days --

443
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:57,146
minus the groupies
and the wigs.

444
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,539
Oh, you worked
at Dollywood?

445
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,019
I wasn't sure, because
you haven't mentioned it

446
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,716
since yesterday.

447
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,372
Yo, Pops.Ma's not doing so well.

448
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:08,070
Louis: Oh, yowza.
Mac and cheese?

449
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:09,332
And we're out of LACTAID.

450
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:10,986
This is my fault.

451
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,205
I shouldn't have pushed you
to do that interview.

452
00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:13,423
No, it's my bad.

453
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,643
I knew she'd hate
culinary school,

454
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:19,125
but I thoughtshe'd be mad, not sad.

455
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:20,300
I broke Mom.

456
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,606
Meatball: Okay, everybody.

457
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:25,087
Let's keep that energy going
for Jessica Huang,

458
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,697
who's singing next.

459
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,487
♪ Listen as your day unfolds

460
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:36,229
♪ Challenge what
the future holds ♪

461
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:40,581
♪ Try and keep your head
up to the sky ♪

462
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,104
Oof. I heard
Harvard's out.♪ Lovers, they may
cause you tears ♪

463
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,280
Yeah, well, Andy Richter
called her a bad mom.

464
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:46,500
♪ Go ahead,
release your fears ♪

465
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:47,631
Aw, hell no.♪ Show up and be counted

466
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:51,461
♪ Don't be ashamed
to cry ♪

467
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:54,116
♪ Herald what
your mother said ♪

468
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,727
♪ Read the books
your father read ♪

469
00:17:56,771 --> 00:18:02,255
♪ Try to solve your puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪

470
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:05,084
♪ You gotta be bad,
you gotta be bold ♪

471
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,434
♪ You gotta be wiser

472
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:09,479
♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

473
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:12,482
♪ You gotta be stronger

474
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,181
♪ You gotta be cool,
you gotta be calm ♪

475
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,270
♪ You gotta stay together

476
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:22,188
♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

477
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,190
♪ Time asks no questions

478
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,149
♪ It goes on without you

479
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,716
♪ Leaving you behind

480
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:32,328
If you try to suspend our son
because of this,

481
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:34,765
we will sue everyone
in this school.

482
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,290
♪ You can't stop it
if you try to ♪

483
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,161
♪ The best part is danger...

484
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,467
If Oscar Chow
hadn't dumped me,

485
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,382
I never would have met
your father.

486
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,426
I wouldn't be here.

487
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,428
And that would be tragic.

488
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:48,127
♪ You gotta be bad,
you gotta be bold ♪

489
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,216
♪ You gotta be wiser

490
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:53,436
♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪

491
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,873
♪ You gotta be stronger

492
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:59,442
♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪

493
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,364
Okay, I hope you're not
wearing synthetic fibers,

494
00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:10,714
'cause they're about to set
the dance floor on fire.

495
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,499
It's Honey and Marvin.

496
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:17,199
♪ You see a faded sign
by the side of the road ♪

497
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:19,332
♪ That says 15 miles
to the ♪

498
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:22,726
♪ Love shack!

499
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,816
Eddie, you didn't
need to do that.
Yes, I did.

500
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,297
Think about all the times
you've swooped in to save me.

501
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:30,125
You've always
been there for me.

502
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,213
You're the best mom ever.

503
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,259
I'm not terrible?

504
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,348
Sure, you pushed me --
a lot.

505
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:37,480
Like, I'm probably gonna
have to go talk it through

506
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,003
with a professional
at some point,

507
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,396
but I'm glad you did,

508
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,050
because it taught me
to fight for what I want.

509
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:43,225
Dirty if you have to.

510
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,359
I know it's not
what you planned,

511
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:49,275
but I want to go
to culinary school.

512
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:54,062
And I just wantwhat's best for you.

513
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,281
That's all I ever wanted.

514
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:57,718
I know,
but I'm not gonna quit.

515
00:19:57,761 --> 00:20:01,069
I'm never gonna quit,because I'm Jessica Huang's kid.

516
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:06,901
Marvin: You're what?

517
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:09,208
Tiiiiin roof!

518
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:11,253
Oh.
Rusted!

519
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:16,345
Amazing duet yesterday.

520
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:18,478
I would've joined in,but Chestnut threw

521
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,741
a piping-hot potato wedgeat Trent.
Good.

522
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,395
You do that thing
where you cup your ear,

523
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,439
but it's still pitchy.

524
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:25,093
Uh, it's called
harmonizing?

525
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:26,486
Look, about Eddie.

526
00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:28,488
I know we always wantedhim to go to college,

527
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,664
but he has his own dreams.

528
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:33,101
Louis, we worked so hard
to get him here.

529
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:35,408
He has a golden
opportunity.

530
00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:37,584
I don't want him
to throw it all away.

531
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:40,587
Well, you know, we werehis age when we left Taiwan,

532
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,023
and isn't this why,

533
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:43,938
so our kids could pursuetheir own dreams?

534
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:49,422
How am I so bad at fakeskateboarding and you're a god?

535
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:50,988
You got slow thumbs,
Eddie.

536
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,384
Tina, can you
give us a minute?

537
00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:57,473
You got it, Jess.

538
00:20:57,517 --> 00:20:58,474
Still weird.

539
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,523
So, are you still into this
whole cooking-school thing?

540
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:05,220
Yeah.

541
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,048
Okay, fine. You can go.

542
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:08,441
Really?!

543
00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:09,529
That's it?

544
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,270
No one's going
to stop my son

545
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:14,142
from getting what he wants,
not even me.

546
00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:17,580
But you are going
to the top one.

547
00:21:17,624 --> 00:21:19,582
Really, Mom?

548
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:20,757
Another life-chart?

549
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,020
This one...

550
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,674
you fill out yourself.

551
00:21:24,718 --> 00:21:27,068
I'd use a pencil, son.

552
00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:28,852
You never know.
Things can change.

553
00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:31,464
And I reserve the right tocorrect whatever you get wrong.

554
00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:35,511
Like it or not,
I'm not going anywhere.

555
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:39,820
♪ Yeah

556
00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:44,738
Ohh.
I'm so proud of him.

557
00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:45,956
Our little Evan.

558
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,524
...and my brother, Emery,

559
00:21:48,568 --> 00:21:50,352
who taught me
to be true to myself.

560
00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,876
And now he's starring in
cellphone commercials.

561
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,443
I'm sure you've all
heard his catchphrase.

562
00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:56,402
"No, boss,it's a text message!"

563
00:21:57,664 --> 00:21:59,100
You know, Louis,

564
00:21:59,143 --> 00:22:01,058
I'm actually glad
your mother's here,

565
00:22:01,102 --> 00:22:02,625
even like this.

566
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:11,547
I'm going to bea big ole mess later.

567
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:12,940
Eddie: Yo, when this thing
wrap up?

568
00:22:12,983 --> 00:22:14,594
I got Trent
running my restaurant,

569
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:16,944
and his narcolepsy's
flaring up.

570
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:18,380
I don't know how,
but we did it.

571
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:19,642
Yep.

572
00:22:19,686 --> 00:22:21,383
I did.Evan: Thank you.

573
00:22:21,427 --> 00:22:23,167
No, I said --